Archive for the 'Jokes' Category
A typical 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. “Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean … ” He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. “You mean you’ve got ESPN?”243 comments
Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble?
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Caller: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Caller: What’s a sea-prompt?
Operator: Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Caller: What’s a monitor?
Operator: It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
Caller: I don’t know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Caller: Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can’t reach.
Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Caller: Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.
Caller: Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can’t.
Operator: No? Why not?
Caller: Because there’s a power failure.
Operator: A power……………………………….. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I’m afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.12 comments
“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.”
-Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.
“You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3″
-Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
“Aim towards the Enemy.”
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
-U.S. Marine Corps
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to
always hit the ground.”
-USAF Ammo Troop
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.”
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.”
-U.S. Air Force Manual
“Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered
“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.”
“You, you, and you… Panic! The rest of you, come with me.”
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
“Tracers work both ways.”
-U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five second fuses only last three seconds.”
“Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do
-U.S. Navy Swabbie
“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.”
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.”
“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.”
“Any ship can be a minesweeper… once.”
“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.”
-Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.”
“If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.”
-USAF Ammo Troop
“Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death… I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.”
-At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in
-From an old carrier sailor
“If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a
helicopter… and therefore, unsafe.”
“When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power
left to get you to the scene of the crash.”
“Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.”
“What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot
screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up… the pilot dies.”
“Never trade luck for skill.”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete
“A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is
“Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!”
“Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose
of storing dead batteries.”
“Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on
the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.”
“When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.”
“Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: “When a prang (crash) seems inevitable,
endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and
gently as possible.”
“A pilot who doesn’t have any fear probably isn’t flying his plane to its
-Jon McBride, astronaut
“If you’re faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
-Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.”
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
“If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.”
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the
edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of
ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult
to fly there.”
“You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to
taxi to the terminal.”
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the
wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a
bloodied pilot and asks, “What happened?”
The pilot’s reply: “I don’t know, I just got here myself!”
-Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)14 comments
A man and wife decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.
The wife decides to purchase a bull with it. The husband agrees, so the woman leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the man and tell him to come get it.
Finally, the woman finds the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The woman, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.
The farmer says, “All right then, I’ll give you a great deal, how about $199?”
The woman accepts and buys the bull. She has $1 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, “It’s $1 per word.” The woman thinks about this and says,”Comfortable, write that.”
“Comfortable?” the guy questions.
“Yes, you see he reads real slow.”13 comments
I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. I hear a car driving off, as if she was dropped off round the corner. Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and to stop checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. Perhaps deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Do you think this is something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.17 comments
A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.
Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. “It’s very brave of you to come out here,’ says Matthew. ‘Please tell the audience what happened?”
“Well,” replies Simon, “about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.”
“That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?” asks Matthew.
“No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances In medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.”
A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.
Kelly responds with: “That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight Simon, who are you going to be?”
“Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle”39 comments